I am not good sharing my thoughts with others, not in a deeper sense. I tread lightly in this world as I know we have all suffered too much and I wish to cause no more, for others, for myself. I have spent far too much time staring at the past recently. It is not like me. I have never been a past dweller. I have always focused forward with hope filled eyes.
Have you ever stopped everything and just sat down refusing to move completely disregarding the inertia of things and people around you urging you desperately to move in some direction? I have done this in my life, in every single way, recently. I am all but holding my breath to not move in the slightest way just to avoid doing the wrong thing. I am paralyzed by a lack of will to move on, even if it is all that I am supposed to do, some act of willful defiance within refuses to allow me to budge. I spent far too much time picking my every emotional wound trying to goad myself onto a new path and I find my fingernails littered with bloodied thoughts of useless futility. I shall not move on, not today.
I’ve cried so many tears my eyes have evaporated and I no longer see who I am anymore. I can but make out a vague recollection of pieces of who I once was and I disappear into this unmovable version of me and grow thick an alabaster column cementing me to a statue of a memory.