Archive for the ‘Personal inventory’ Category

All she can see…

Friday, May 27th, 2011

 

Image by Rupert Merlin

Photo taken by Rupert Merlin

 

It was this tree that saved her with its gnarled branches knotting distant the pain and stretching towards freedom for her. She held fast to the hope one day she’d find a way out. A way to escape the war raging within, cancer eating every part of her, leaving her stranded useless. Her mind wished to climb to the very tip of the tree and fall into life again, to feel the air like dreams bursting past with all the fervor she once felt. If she could just find a way to the other side where life remained and death was not welcome. She knew the secret was the in that tree, the one that reached tall into hope and siphoned it to her when little else could. It stood steady her constant companion reminding her it wasn’t over yet, that cancer had not won, would not win. It was just a bit of a climb to this side of happy, “see…over here, watch me, I’ll show you. To this side of life.” And it would wait patient the days, reliable the nights. It would never give up on her. Even when she felt she could not remember what it felt like to laugh without the lingering veil of diseased truth choking her silent. Even when she felt herself a stranger in happy boots waiting eager to play in the rain once more. The tree sloughed free its leaves to remind her everything will return again, some day. It always does. And so will she.

And so will she.

No More Regrets, Just Dreams

Friday, January 7th, 2011

I have spent far too much time in the past few years going over and over and over all the things I’ve done wrong. Combing through the skeletons in my closet and beating myself with them. I have scoured my innermost thoughts so harshly I am raw within. It is time to move forward. I see I am not perfect. I know I have hurt people unintentionally. I know I have made poor choices I am not proud of but now it is time to take a mental photograph and leave this guilt behind. I will add these memories, these experiences to a much larger, much greater sum total of memories and experiences and see myself just a little bit more colorful because of them. We are a collection of thoughts, moments, people, experiences. And I am learning to be ok with who I am.

So the theme for 2011… no more regrets, just dreams. This goes right along with my pledge to be a little bit nicer this year, to myself and others. My motto will be a quote from Sara Teasdale,

I make the most of all that comes and the least of all that goes.

a little girl made a great big wish

Monday, November 22nd, 2010

I remember as a child reading some piece of advice that stuck with me.

“Decide what you like in others, what kind of characteristics or qualities you find admirable or worthy, and then become the person you want to be accordingly.”

I made a list, a simple list back then, and decided I would do just that. Many of the things on the list I already was inherently. But some I had to work at. I did. I do. And I continue to revisit this list throughout my life and compare it to who I am at the time. It has become my own measuring stick of success.

I equate success with intangible things like being most of the things on my list, or positively affecting another person’s life. I measure success in quality of love and of laughter and listening. And I think this helps put things in perspective for me. It is only when I start to look to other measuring sticks to gauge my own success that I struggle with distorted self-images.

And I have to admit, that has been my problem for awhile. I have been trying to measure myself against a different standard, a standard I can never reach. So, I am revisiting the list and the girl I once was…who was so very intelligent and wonderful so many years ago, the girl who started the list. And I am going to ask…

What does she think about it all today?

And it is my guess she would still choose love and laughter and listening over dollars and promotions and constant new professional goals. She would choose people over things. She would choose living over accumulating. She would choose a good book over a movie or a TV program any day, any time. She would spend less time focused on all that she had done wrong and more time on what she can do right.

And so should I. So should I!

Postcard #2 (Nice Journey)

Saturday, August 7th, 2010

I owe an apology to someone I care a lot about. I am often so inside my own head I do not realize how my retreat within, my withdrawal from the everyday affects others. I recently avoided someone when they needed me, not because they needed me and not really on purpose but more because I was in my own head and trying to avoid the world. No matter my reason, I hurt someone. So, what better time than NOW to send a postcard with a simple apology and words expressing how important this person is to me? That is what I did this morning. Good Morning.

For the record, I am sorry. And love is fade resistant, no matter how far I go, no matter how long I am silent.

Friday, March 26th, 2010

What I cannot love, I overlook. Is that real friendship?
– Anais Nin

I am so involved, engaged in the things and people I love or feel passionate about. I often do let the in-between fade into the background. I am one to neglect that which is not pressing, that which is not invoking in me something. I guess this is both a positive and a negative trait but it is a reality for me. Its not to say I do not get my dishes done and I certainly do not love them but they do annoy me when they stack up. They still provoke a reaction within me. Do I expect too much of those around me? Do I expect them to always be on their ‘A’ game? It is something I will think more about. I know I often go hot or cold. If you do not respond immediately, I lose interest. Why?

I often do not have the time or inclination to respond immediately. Why then do I expect others to? Hrm…food for thought. I am often unforgiving in little ways like this without even realizing it. Albeit, I am also very forgiving in some very real, substantial ways. I guess we are all a little give, a little take. And my flaw is impatience or indifference if you do not invoke in me interest. Luckily, I am fairly easily engaged in thoughts, ideas, conversations and thus I redeem myself with concerted, interested exchanges. But even that has it downfalls as when I am flittering about looking at something new, investigating, reading, writing, whatever… I let the conversation fall flat and do not come back to it till I have the time and inclination.

I believe you should be in the moment, present. Engaged. Involved. Interested. And this is both good and bad. It is important to having people feel heard, understood, cared about. However, it is also a double-edged sword, isn’t it? If I am present, engaged and involved–simply not with you, then ‘our’ interaction feels flat. Yes? But would anyone have me any other way? It is part of my charm and part of my annoying traits…isn’t it?

These questions are rhetorical, of course. I am simply doing some personal inventory through writing. I still like me. And you. and you. and you. and you. and you. and you. and you. and you. And you. and you. and you. and you. and you. and you. and you. and you. And you. and you. and you. and you. and you. and you. and you. and you. And you. and you. and you. and you. and you. and you. and you. and you. In order to give my full attention I must take it away from all other things and thus it is a high likelihood you will experience draught. Don’t give up on me…I will return.