Archive for the ‘Control’ Category

Little Miss Bossy

Wednesday, November 3rd, 2010

Once upon a time there was a fair-skinned girl with golden locks of curls who lived in a place far too close to home. Born to a deranged mother whose moods lashed violent like winds in a tropical storm. The little girl knew she must learn to ‘fix’ things long before they became a problem and thus grew into a very, very capable codependent but she survived. As the years passed and memories faded she learned the skills that once saved her were not useful outside the childhood home she left behind. And so, she learned to redirect that energy, she learned to be a positive force in this world. And so it was for many years…

But old habits die hard and often gain momentum when we are headed downhill. And such was the case with the little girl all grown up, so trained in healthy habits. Yet, when fatigued the old habits paved so long ago were easier to navigate, I suppose. Lost within she stumbled down the path worn years and years ago.

And here I am.

The less I care for myself, the more I become bossy. And that word makes me cringe. It really does. I am generally not a controlling person. I realize control is an illusion and that if I need to focus on it, I have plenty of things within myself to start with. However, I digress, in the past year or so I have found myself being bossy, no matter how well-intended, it is still bossiness. I get urges to help everyone around me but not in a nice, hey would you like my help kind of way but rather in an irritated just do it my way, I know what’s best for you—No! No! Please allow me to help you become your very best kind of way. Pushy. Intolerant. Judgy. *Gasp*

Ick! I am Little Miss Bossy. And I have noticed this in the past few months. I guess when habits are so ingrained in us we often do not see them right away. *Gulp* So, I have been taking notice of when I get the ‘urge’ to help in this not-so-helpful way, trying to find out why I am doing it. And I realized…it is mostly when I am not taking care of myself, when I feel my own life is a mess! (Seems rather obvious now!)

There, I said it… I admitted it. I wrote it and shared it with the world (as big or as small as it may be). It is no longer just a creature within the caverns of my mind gaining momentum in privacy. Now I have spit it out no matter how distasteful it may be. I can remind myself when I get the urge to be helpful (when not asked) to consciously choose to focus that energy into whatever issues I have in my own life.

Physician, heal thyself.